The essay opens with the idea that boredom is often considered the most companionable of men, but they are not always aware of their borishness and often think of themselves as the most companionable. They have a fixed idea to impart, which is the boredom of the many. Even the least self-centered of men can have a personal experience that loses its true proportions and forces them to inflict it over much on others.
Bores are happy men, as they have so much to tell and come so well out of it. They can find people to tell it to, and the tragedy is that they can always find their listeners, me almost first. The answer to this is the ineradicable kindness of human nature. Few men are strong enough to say, ‘For Heaven’s sake, go away, you weary me.’ Bores make cowards of us all, and we are left either to listen and endure or take refuge in craven flight.
Astute, crafty men are seldom bores; very busy men are seldom bores. Of all bores, the most repellent specimen is the buttonholing bore, who spreads birdlime all over us. A bore who keeps a reasonable way off can be dealt with, but when they lean on you, you are done. It is worst when they fix your eyes, only a foot away, and tell you a funny story that isn’t funny. Nothing is so humiliating as having to counterfeit laughter at the bidding of a bore; but we do it.
The worst types of bores are the ones who begin a funny story, and although you tell him you have heard it, doesn’t stop. Another of the worst types of bores is the man who says, “Where should we be without our sense of humour?” He is even capable of saying, ‘Nothing but my unfailing sense of humour saved me.’ There is also the man who says, “Live and let live,” as my poor dear father used to say.
To combat bores, we can cultivate the habit of thinking truthfully aloud. If we can do this or train ourselves to be downright offensive, there is no remedy against bores, except totar evasion. No bore ever says, after no matter how many hints, “I’ll avoid that man in future; I know I bore him.” So they will always flourish.
If a famous weekly humorous paper were to cease publication, there would automatically be a decrease in bore topics, because no one could any longer repeat those sayings of his children which are ‘good enough for Punch.’
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